I broke down at my Doctor’s today

Hi Readers,

I went to visit a new Doctor today, a specialist, to get set up with their services and before I knew it, I was crying, literally balling with tears pouring out of my eyes to the point I was dry-heaving and struggling to breathe.  …And it all started when I mentioned my mom and how her passing has affected me and my health.

What’s interesting to me is it seems like my mom passed away more than three years ago but, actually, she only left my dad and me one year and five months ago.  Apparently I haven’t finished grieving for her.

My mom was my best friend, my Rock, and I can honestly say my Biggest Fan.  We used to joke that we were sisters in another life.  She always took me everywhere she went and we loved spending time together.  We had that type of relationship that we could sit next  to each other and not speak and be perfectly happy.  Every time I left her side, my heart was energized and I was uplifted.  It’s really strange and hard to explain the connection my mom and I had but no one else has ever affected me like this.

My mom would also look at me like no other ever has or ever will-with adoring eyes and the most beautiful smile, indicating to me that she thought I was the best thing in the world.  I can honestly say there wasn’t a day that went by that I wouldn’t hear from her that she loved me.  If she didn’t say it to me, face to face, then she’d call me and tell me or she’d leave little love notes for me telling me how she wanted to stay up and wait for me but “that the heart is willing but the flesh is weak”.  In fact, she’d verbally tell me how wonderful she thought I was several times a day, sometimes interspersing what a miracle I am, that she wanted me and how happy she is that she had me.

We were so open with each other that, at times, I’d hear from her that if she were a man and younger, she’d scoop me up and never let me go.  I loved her dearly.  The support she gave me, the willingness to listen to anything and I mean Anything I had to say with enthusiasm and just the knowledge of knowing she was always there for me and had my back were unparalleled traits that to this day that are extremely hard to find among people.

I know she made a difference in my life and I know I loved her in a way that I can’t define.  I’m not sure when I will be able to even say aloud “my mom” without bursting into tears but I hear it gets easier though you never completely heal.  My Doctor says the grief doesn’t go away but it changes.  Curiously, his mom passed away twelve years ago and he says it still affects him.  He keeps a beautiful picture of her by his bedside.  I too, have a picture of my mom with me in the bedroom and a few pictures of her (with family photos) spread throughout the house.

It is hard to stay strong but that is what society expects.  You only get two days for bereavement leave but it takes years upon years to actually come to terms with the loss, each one in his/her own individual way and in his/her own ideal time. I still await the day that I can speak about my mom, look at photos of her and think about her with happiness instead of tears.  That day can’t come soon enough.

*** I love and miss you mom.  xoxo  ***